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23 October 2002 - 10:45 pm
   ♥ Okay, I'm officially a really big geek now, because last night I had two BTVS dreams. I've never dreamt about BTVS before, but last night I did. I don't remember either dream very clearly, but I know that in BTVS Dream #1, Willow was asking me out on a date to some sort of arts and crafts fair, and I really liked her (I'm not remotely bisexual in real life, but I guess I was either gay or bi in the dream), but I was all worried that Tara would be hurt, and I really wanted them to be together, so I didn't want to interfere. In BTVS Dream #2, I think I was Spike. All I really remember was that it was a Season 7 dream, and Buffy ended up being the Big Bad, and her worst fear from early in the series came true: she became a vampire. And Spike (thas' me) had to kill her, and it was very angsty because she was everything I'd once been but could no longer condone, and I knew that she would have hated to see herself like this, but it was very painful for me to have to decide to actually kill her. I think this dream was largely influenced by some simply phenomenal fanfic I've been reading recently (especially Herself's work). Anyway, just thought I'd share my geekiness with y'all.
   ♥ I thought it was especially interesting that I didn't dream about being Spike's love interest ... I dreamed about being Spike. I really do think that my interest in the character isn't based on attraction (though he's a very attractive man ... no doubt about that!) ... my interest in the character is based on identification. Interesting.

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23 October 2002 - 4:30 pm
   ♥ If you're interested in learning more about the mythological sources of the story of Aud and Olaf (upon which Anya's history as shown in last night's episode was based), check out Kettle in Scotland and Ireland before 1100, Geneology Within the Viking World, The Kingdom of the Britons, European History 830-899, Northvegr: Eyrbyggja Saga, etc. Interesting stuff! I had no idea, while watching the episode, that it was based on actual myth.

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22 October 2002 - 10 pm
   ♥ My random, disorganized, not-very-well-thought-out thoughts on tonight's Buffy episode, immediately after watching:
   ♥ I wonder if eventually I will stop yelling, "Mummy hand!" during the new credits and laughing at the Tabula Rasa group scream. Thus far, I'm 5 for 5.
   ♥ Loved basically all of the subtitles in the flashbacks with Olaf. Made me laugh out loud more than once. But, then, I've watched a lot of Hong Kong flicks, and am easily amused by stilted subtitles. Or, as my husband would point out, I'm easily amused. Period.
   ♥ Anya looked gorgeous in almost every scene. Loved the long dark hair on her as Aud. Very pretty.
   ♥ Loved the basement scene, despite what anyone else thinks. I think it opens up a lot of questions about what exactly is going on with Spike ... questions I'm looking forward to seeing answered. And, to be honest, as a television viewer, I think Spike would be more interesting on the show if he did get his butt out of the basement ... so, in a way, I agree with Buffy, even if I don't agree with her in-character reasons. She's been making a lot of these impatient, frustrated, eye-rolling faces around Spike (like last week when she so rudely snapped her fingers in front of his face) that make her look pretty damn unsympathetic, so I'm hoping that's leading somewhere.
   ♥ I. Actually. Cheered. For. Xander. Yes, folks, Satan must be putting on his mittens (oops, sorry Annie, I stole that from "The Last Summer"), because I was cheering for Xander in this episode. More than once. And I haven't done that in a really long time. In the first couple seasons, Xander was one of my favorite characters, but he started to grate on my nerves at some point. It was nice to actually like him again!
   ♥ Did anyone else get the impression, based on Buffy's sarcastic tone of voice, that she knew that Xander had lied to her about Angel? I mean, now that I think about it, if Buffy has half a brain it wouldn't have been that difficult to figure out in the aftermath, while she was slaving away in that diner all summer, that if Willow was still working on the spell she wouldn't have sent along a message encouraging Buffy to kick Angel's ass. So, the way I interpreted this scene tonight was that the only thing being revelealed was that Buffy knew about Xander's little ethical faux pas that led to her killing her One True Love. And, apparently, she'd let it slide until the argument in this episode.
   ♥ I was mildly annoyed by Buffy's ramble about how much she loved Angel and how she'll never love anyone else that much ... but I know that's just the Spike!Lover in me, so I mostly ignored that little voice's whinging. Though ... as an adult ... I do have to say that a grown woman still waxing quite that rhapsodic about the person she loved when she was 17 seems a little pathetic. Grow up, move on, and get into a mature, adult relationship, already! I don't even care that much who it's with, but just quit living in the past. Boooooring.
   ♥ Thought Xander's comment about Buffy not killing Spike just 'cause they were doing the nasty was more than a little illogical, since the only reason B was planning to kill Anya was because Anya was actively causing harm to lots o' people. She never tried to kill Anya just because she used to harm people, or even because she might harm people again in the future ... she waited until Anya actually did something. And if Spike had ever done anything like what Anya was doing, Buffy would have killed him. (Or at least tried.)
   ♥ I definitely think Buffy was overly hasty with the kill-Anya-without-even-talking-to-her thing, but that's been building for a long time. I mean, way back in Season 2, Buffy said, "I don't always use violence. Do I?" and Xander replied, "The important thing is you believe that." There've been lots of subtle references to her slap-happiness over the years ... now that the references have been made so overt, I hope that means they're actually going to lead to some sort of resolution.
   ♥ Overall, I liked the fact that this episode pulled a lot of long-standing issues back to the fore: Buffy's hang-ups remaining from the Angel soul-no!soul-soul debacle ... the simplistic demons=bad humans=good thing (Xander seemed, instead, to divide it into friends vs. non-friends) ... Buffy's quickness to kill rather than try to solve problems through less violent means ... Xander's big fat betraying selfish lie to Buffy in Season 2 ... Xander's role as a sort of protector/guard dog o' the helpless female types (this one squicks the feminist in me a little bit ... he's just always so quick to assume that women need his protection, when Willow and Buffy could both kick his ass in miliseconds ... hell, Dawn could probably kick his ass, at this point).
   ♥ There were more things I thought and wanted to write, but I'd rather go get some other stuff done. Me? Rather do something other than talk/write about Buffy? Guess I really am getting a bit of my life back!

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16 October 2002 - bit before midnightish
   ♥ While I have to admit that I'm more of a Spike fan than a Buffy fan, I frequently get emails from rabid Spike fans complaining that I'm too tough on him (especially in my essays and this blog). I don't understand why liking a character seems to so often lead to people wanting to believe that the character is perfect.
   ♥ I love Spike. In a non-rabid, more intellectual sort of way. I think he's a really interesting, complex character ... and used to be a hoot & a half, before he went all Buffy's!Bitch, and then all Crazy!Spike. But, no matter how much I love Spike, I don't see any way (or reason) to deny the fact that he did some completely messed up stuff last season. I can understand why he did most of it, but that doesn't mean I excuse it.
   ♥ The same thing with Buffy. Her degrading and abusive treatment of Spike last season squicked me repeatedly, and not because I like Spike ... but rather because I don't like to see people degraded and abused. Again, I could understand why she did most of it, but that didn't make it okay.
   ♥ I have to admit that I lost sympathy for Buffy last season after a while, because it seemed like she was being selfish and cruel to pretty much everyone, and I can only stomach that for so long. But I have had absolutely no problem with her behavior thus far in Season 7. She's freaked out. I would be, too!
   ♥ The way I see it, she's got a lot of stuff to deal with right now. And the Spike stuff is difficult to figure out. I mean, sure, she was all lovey-dovey to Angel when he got his soul back, but Angel's getting his soul back had nothing to do with her. In this case, Spike's getting his soul has everything to do with her, and that's just gotta be hard to deal with. I mean, on some level she must be realizing that by simply trying to regain his soul he disproved all the hateful things she said to him previously (e.g. "You can't feel anything real.").
   ♥ In Buffy's position, I would be feeling pity for Spike, guilt for the rotten things I'd said, fear of what he might do in his insane state, uncertainty about what this meant for the future, confusion about what this meant regarding Angel when he didn't have a soul (since he never voluntarily sought one out), traumatic relationship flashbacks to that very painful first love drama, frustration that Spike couldn't help as much as he used to (she'd really come to rely on his help and protection, after all), persistent but instinctive nervousness lingering as an after-effect of the attack in the bathroom, uncertainty about what others will think (for example, Dawn, who was once very close to Spike) when they find out about the soul and his reasons for seeking it, unpleasant flashbacks to his early stalker behavior, concern about whether Spike will ever regain his sanity, etc., etc., etc.
   ♥ In short (oops! too late), I think Buffy's got a lot of stuff to work through. I think she's actually been surprisingly sensitive to Spike's fragility, but distant. Distance doesn't always indicate coldness. Sometimes it just indicates fear, or confusion, or some other emotion.
   ♥ Er. I think I think about this show too much. ;-)

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16 October 2002 - 11:40 pm
   ♥ Unfortunately, I've been feeling very depressed lately due to real-life stuff, and my wrists are still very sensitive, so I'm afraid that I'm not able to be putting as much work into Nothing Like the Sun as before. Well, I was putting obscene amounts of work into the site before, so maybe this is a bit more healthy. :-) Seriously, I'm still keeping up with additions to the All-Time Top 5 and Wallpaper Genie requests, but I may not be making a lot of other site changes for the next couple weeks. I'm also in the process of creating a Spuffy Obstacle Course game, which I hope to have finished and uploaded by sometime next week. Two of my close friends are getting married this weekend, and Shannon is the best man for the wedding, so our lives are kind of hectic for the next few days, what with rehearsals and rehearsal dinners and all that stuff.
   ♥ So don't be surprised if y'all don't hear from me for a few days. I haven't forgotten about you or Nothing Like the Sun. I'm just dealing with some real life stuff. So please do continue submitting Wallpaper Genie wishes and All-Time Top 5 lists and fanfic recommendations and all that wonderful stuff, and I'll get caught up on everything when the Weekend of Wedding Madness is over. :-)

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15 October 2002 - 12:40 pm
   ♥ I'm feeling all upset after reading a comment to a post I made last night in my Live Journal. Okay, let's set aside the fact that we're talking about a tv show, here, because that makes the issues seem trivial. In Season 6 of BTVS, I saw a woman (Buffy) consistently physically and emotionally abuse a man (Spike). Regardless of whether he is "good" or "bad" ... I don't care. This kind of abuse is wrong. And it doesn't suddenly disappear just because he nearly raped her afterward.
   ♥ Now, I'm not saying that rape (or near rape) is a small thing. I've never been raped myself, but I have witnessed a rape and have very close friends and relatives of both genders who have been raped. I also have friends — both male and female — who have been emotionally abused and/or physically abused in a non-sexual way. And those ones I've experienced first-hand.
   ♥ In Season 6 of Buffy, we saw a number of people abuse and violate others. We saw Willow violate her lover's mind repeatedly, even after promising that she would never do so again. And she never showed any honest remorse over having done so. We saw Buffy repeatedly physically and emotionally abuse a man who was trying to help her, and never show any honest remorse over having done so. We saw Warren violate the mind of the woman he supposedly had once loved, and nearly rape her, and then kill her, without showing the slightest amount of remorse over having done so. We saw Spike nearly rape the woman he loved, and saw him take full responsibility and take steps to change himself to make sure it would never happen again.
   ♥ So, I'm not saying that regret makes things all better. But I am saying that Spike isn't the only one who did anything wrong. For me, this isn't about a television show, this is about whether or not it is acceptable to abuse another person. And I don't think it ever is.
   ♥ A lot of people in this culture are very quick to identify cases of a man abusing a woman ... and very slow to identify cases of a woman abusing a man. Even if Spike were pure evil, I would still be offended by the way Buffy treated him in Season 6, because it was selfish, cruel, and utterly lacking in compassion. Even a rabid animal doesn't deserve that.

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14 October 2002 - 8:30 pm
   ♥ Woo hoo! I finally got my Crazy!Spike Interpreter uploaded! It makes me all happy. If you check it out, please do let me know what you think of it. I had a lot of fun writing it, largely because I've had a lifelong interest in Victorian England, and much of the random junk Spike is muttering pertains to the culture of that era, since that's when his soul was last out-and-about. I guess that's why I'm so interested in the language of flowers (which you may have noticed, if you read this blog or my Updates very often, since I often discuss the symbolism of the flowers I've chosen for my layouts or my fanart), since it was really primarily during the Victorian period that sending flowers with specific symbolic meanings was in fashion. I didn't end up including Spike's ramble at the beginning of "Beneath You" about manners/breeding/etiquette, but I probably should have, because that's a very Victorian concern. Other folks might not know that. *shrug*
   ♥ I've still been feeling down. And I have to admit that these first few episodes of Season 7 seem to have killed my inspiration to write fanfic. I'm too interested in where ME is taking me. The hubby and I have been talking lately about the fact that he tends to view shows like "Buffy" as games. It's a game in which he's trying to figure out what the writers are doing before everyone else figures it out. So he does a lot of speculating about how the season will end, stuff like that. Of course, then he watches movies like "The Sixth Sense," and he figures out what's going on halfway through, and then afterward he says, "I wish I'd been able to have the experience of watching it once all the way through without knowing what was happening."
   ♥ Aha! I just heard the door open downstairs, so the hubby has gotten home from work. Sorry to abandon y'all, but he's far more precious to me. No offense. :-)

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14 October 2002 - 5:00 am
   ♥ Haven't blogged in a few days, because I haven't been spending much time on the computer, due to the wrist issues. Also, I've been feeling down.
   ♥ But I'm actually feeling less annoyed at Season 6, now that I see where they were going with Spike's plot arc. If they wanted Spike to voluntarily get his soul back, they really had to make him hit rock bottom first ... make him hate himself so much that he would be willing to make such a drastic decision. So ... I still found Season 6 difficult -- and sometimes painful -- to watch ... but I'm no longer as bitter about it, because as a storyteller I can now see what they were trying to do.
   ♥ And I've been thinking a bit about why I'm a Spike/Buffy 'shipper, and the answer is actually quite simple. I'm a Spike/Buffy 'shipper because Spike is a Spike/Buffy 'shipper, and I like Spike. I want him to get what he wants, especially when he has suffered so much in search of it. That doesn't necessarily mean that I want him to end up with Buffy, though ... because sometimes we think we're in search of one thing when truly we're in search of another. Spike thinks he's in search of Buffy's love and acceptance and forgiveness ... but I think what he's really in search of is some measure of self-respect. I think what he really wants is to be able to love, accept, and forgive himself. So ... that may or may not come with a Buffy-with-purchase. But I'd like to see Spike redeemed, because I think that's what he's really looking for.
   ♥ But, since he's a S/B 'shipper, since he wants to be with Buffy, since his world has basically revolved around Buffy for nearly 3 years of the series now ... that relationship interests me. I find Spike's longing compelling ... and that's what I like to explore, whether it ends happily or not. Most of my favorite fanfic doesn't end with happy happy joy joy Spuffy hugs and kisses.
   ♥ Anyway, it's ridiculously late (I mean, early) and I haven't been to sleep yet, so I'm going to try to remedy that fact. Hope you're doing well! Drop me a line in email or the guestbook and say hello!

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10 October 2002 - 6:45 pm
   ♥ The husband thinks I've overanalyzed "Same Time, Same Place" in my episode ramble and seen stuff that isn't there. Yeah, possibly. For instance, he doesn't think there's any relationship between Spike's lines about feeding on flesh in "Beneath You" and the flesh-eating demon in STSP. Well ... I have to say, if the hubby's right and I'm wrong, then I think that's sloppy writing. You don't talk metaphorically about feeding on flesh at the end of one episode and then have someone actually feeding on flesh at the beginning of the next episode, and have the two be completely unrelated. Let that be a lesson to you writers out there ... coincidences aren't allowed in fiction.
   ♥ So ... the question is ... are we getting sloppy writing this season? Well, we certainly did last season, as has been discussed to death already. I mean, just look at "As You Were" and the suvolte eggs, as one particularly glaring example. Or Xander's uncharacteristically idiotic summoning of Sweet in "Once More With Feeling." But, anyway, I'm willing to grant that it might just be shoddy writing, might just be a bunch of coincidences in theme between the two episodes. But I hope not. I like to think better of ME, even after last season. I'm such an optimist.
   ♥ And, anyway, my husband is one to talk. He spends hours every week analyzing and speculating about Survivor. Hrmph.

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