Xander Quotes

"This is just too much. I mean, yesterday my life's like, 'Uh-oh, pop quiz.' Today it's 'Rain of Toads'." (Ep. 1.02, "The Harvest")

"It's funny how the Earth never opens up and swallows you when you want it to." (Ep. 1.04, "Teacher's Pet")

BUFFY: So, how'd it go with Miss French?
XANDER: Well, it's a bit demanding being her absolute favorite guy in the universe, but I'll muddle through.
BUFFY: Xander, she's not what she seems.
XANDER: I know, she's so much more.
BUFFY: Okay, um ... I'm gonna have to tell you something about her, and I'm gonna need you to really listen, okay?
XANDER: Okay.
BUFFY: I don't think she's human.
XANDER: I see. So if she's not human she's...?
BUFFY: Technically? A big bug. (Xander laughs) This sounds really weird, I'm aware of that...
XANDER: It doesn't sound weird at all. I completely understand. I've met someone, and you're jealous.
BUFFY: What?
XANDER: Look, there's nothing I can do about it. Uh, there's just this certain chemical thing between Miss French and me.
BUFFY: I know, I read all about it, it's called, um, a pheromone. It's a chemical attractant that insects give off.
XANDER: She's not an insect! She's a woman, okay? And hard as that may be for you to conceive, an actual woman finds me attractive. I realize it's no mystery guy handing out leather jackets, and while we're on the subject, what kind of a girlie name is 'Angel' anyway? (Ep. 1.04, "Teacher's Pet")

XANDER: Buffy, c'mon, wake up and smell the seduction! It's the oldest trick in the book.
BUFFY: What? Saving my life? Getting slashed in the ribs?
XANDER: Duh! I mean, guys'll do anything to impress a girl. I-I once drank an entire gallon of Gatorade without taking a breath.
WILLOW: It was pretty impressive. Although later there was an ick factor. (Ep. 1.07, "Angel")

"Whoa. Whoa! I... I think I'm having a thought. Yeah, yeah, yeah, that's a thought. Now I'm having a plan." (Ep. 2.14, "Innocence")

"Hi! For those of you who have just tuned in, everyone here is a crazy person." (Ep. 2.21, "Becoming, Part 1")

"Come on, Will. Look, you don't have a choice here. You gotta wake up. I need you, Will. I mean, how am I gonna pass trig, you know? And who am I gonna call every night... and talk about everything we did all day? You're my best friend. You've always... I love you." (Ep. 2.22, "Becoming, Part 2")

"Generally speaking, when scary things get scared: not good." (Ep. 3.02, "Dead Man's Party")

"I don't get this. The candy's supposed to make you feel all immature and stuff, but I've had a ton, and I don't feel any diff... Never mind." (Ep. 3.06, "Band Candy")

"Buffy, this is all about fear. It's understandable, but you can't let it control you. 'Fear leads to anger. Anger leads to hate. Hate leads to anger.' No wait, hold on. 'Fear leads to hate. Hate leads to the dark side.' Hold on, no, umm, 'First you get the women, then you get the money, then you...' okay, can we forget that?" (Ep. 4.01, "The Freshman")

XANDER: Did you guys have enough fun for one night?
WILLOW: Yes. Please.
BUFFY: Buffy tired.
XANDER: And was there a lesson in all this huh? What did we learn about beer?
BUFFY: Foamy.
XANDER: Good, just as long as that's clear. Anyways, I think that the boys in the car are contained for the time being. This will give them some time to ponder the geo-political ramifications of BEING MEAN TO ME! (Ep. 4.05, "Beer Bad")

"I hate to break it to you, oh impotent one, but you're not the big bad anymore, you're not even the kind of naughty. You're nothing but a waste of space -- my space! And as much as I always got a big laugh watching Buffy kick your shiny white bum, as much as I know I can give you a little bum-kicking myself right now, I'm here to tell you something. You're not even worth it. -- I'm out of here." (Ep. 4.11, "Doomed")

"Dammit! You know what? I'm sick of this crap. I'm sick of being the guy who eats insects and gets the funny syphilis. As of this moment, it's over. I'm finished being everybody's butt-monkey!" (Ep. 5.01, "Buffy vs. Dracula")

"Let's see. (paces) Stuff only you and me know. Okay! On my seventh birthday ... I wanted a toy fire truck, and I didn't get it, and you were real nice about it, and then the house next door burnt down, and then real fire trucks came, and for years I thought you set the fire for me. And if you did, you can tell me. (grins nervously. Willow doesn't respond. He paces more.) For a while last year, I thought I was lactose-intolerant, but it was just some bad Brie. Oh! (points at Willow) Every Christmas, we watch Charlie Brown together, and I do the Snoopy dance!" (Ep. 5.03, "The Replacement")

"Whatever you choose, you've got my support. Just think of me as ... as your ... You know, I'm searching for supportive things, and I'm comin' up all bras, so... something slightly more manly, think of me as that." (Ep. 5.19, "Tough Love")

"Respect the cruller. And tame the donut!" (Ep. 6.07, "Once More, With Feeling")

XANDER: You want some breakfast, baby?
ANYA: You don't have to go to work?
XANDER: Nah, I shut the crew down for the day. My guys start dancing around me, I don't know if I can deal. It's a flab thing. So ... waffles?
ANYA: Will you still make me waffles when we're married?
XANDER: No, I'll only make them for myself, but by California law, you will own half of them. (Ep., 6.07, "Once More, With Feeling")

"I hate my whole family. That's why I'm marrying you, to start a new family. Have children, make them hate us, then one day they'll get married, we'll sleep on their couch. It's the circle of life." (Ep. 6.15, "As You Were")

"I know that I'm a better person with her in my life. But things got so complicated, with the wedding, and with my family, and with her ... demons, and ... what if it all goes to hell, a-and forever? But then I left ... and ever since ... I've had this painful hole inside. And I'm the idiot that dug it out." (Ep. 6.17, "Normal Again")

XANDER: When our friends go all crazy and start killing people, we help them!
WILLOW: Sitting right here!
XANDER: (to Willow) I'm sorry. (to Buffy) But it's true. You don't care about [Anya] the same way I do. Buffy, I still love her. (Ep. 7.05, "Selfless")

"Did everybody have their crazy flakes today?" (Ep. 7.05, "Selfless")

XANDER: You're gonna be fine.
ANYA: Better be! Because if I get vamped, I'm gonna bite your ass.
XANDER: Wouldn't be the first time. (Ep. 7.08, "Sleeper")

(to Andrew, re: Anya) "There was this one guy ... he hurt her real bad ... so she paid him back. She killed him. But she did it real slow. See, first she stopped his heart, and then she replaced it with darkness. And then she made him live his life like that. But he still had to go to his job, and see his friends, and wake up in the morning, and go to bed at night ... but he had to do it all empty, without anything to look forward to ... ever." (Ep. 7.09, "Never Leave Me")

"Seven years, Dawn. Working with the Slayer, seeing my friends get more and more powerful: the witch, a demon ... hell, I could fit Oz in my shaving kit, but come a full moon he had a wolfy mojo not to be messed with. Powerful, all of them. And I'm the guy who fixes the windows. [...] They'll never know how tough it is, Dawnie — to be the one who isn't 'chosen' — to live so near to the spotlight and never step in it. But I know." (Ep. 7.12, "Potential")